Remembering Rachel in so many ways

Anna, Amy, Nathan, Mark, Julia

November 5^th was Nathan's wedding day. He was married on the beach in Florida with a beautiful party following. But there was a moment. Or more. The first was just before the bride appeared. My son took his place and raised his hand briefly to the sky. No words were spoken, but we knew he was saluting his sister Rachel. After the wedding, the siblings who were able to attend the wedding took their place for a happy wedding photo. Again, Rachel was remembered. I think she knew. I think she attended the happy occasion.

I miss Rachel, sometimes so painfully I can hardly bear it. Other times with a smile and a warm thought, like Nate's wedding day. Her brothers and sisters have similar feelings. She is often in our thoughts. She doesn't seem very far away. Sometimes we speak of her, sometimes the gesture or the smile or tear is enough. We are remembering Rachel.

Jenny has remembered Rachel in a special way this month. She has just completed a beautiful book of photos and text to honor her. She has had a strong impression that Rachel's girls will be with our family again in the future, and she felt an assignment to be ready with a book to bridge the “lost” years for Addie and Elizabeth with this book. Thanks Jenny, for remembering Rachel.

Remembering Rachel

My daughter-in-law, Jenny, is working on a project: a book about Rachel Stubbs McTeer. She enlisted my help to scan dozens of photos that were in my possession. What a trip down memory lane! It was bittersweet to re-live those days gone by, but I wouldn’t have missed the closeness I feel to my dear daughter. I remember the cuddly sweetness of her baby self, her elementary school enthusiasm and innocence, her beautiful red hair, her determination to win for her swim team at Orem High School, her love for God and Church, the fun of her college years, her joy in her mission to Adelaide, Australia and then her love for her husband and two daughters. Rachel, I do remember you. I miss you. I love you.

Baby Rachel

Nathan and Rachel (4 years old)

Rachel, Anna, Amy

Rachel and Nathan learning piano

Preschool activities

Joy and Rachel at high school graduation

Orem High School graduation 

Getting ready for college date

Rachel, Julia, Zack

Stephen and Rachel

Rachel and roomies

Amy with Rachel just home from Australia

Rachel's Writings from January 1982

I got a tape recorder for Christmas and I got pick-up sticks. Today I waited in the wrong place for my family after Primary and they went home without me. I wondered where they were after everyone left so I went in the bishop’s office and asked him to call them to come and get me. Dad said I was his tithing.

Family Photo 1982

This little article from our family newsletter, Glimpses of Heaven, breaks my heart. Rachel often got lost in the shuffle of a big family. How I would like to hug her tight and tell her that I miss her today, although I may not have noticed her missing on that day. She was remarkably self-possessed and independent. Was that because she had to be or did I not worry about her because she was that way? It worked both ways, I suppose.

Cousins

My cousin Wayne sent me a link to view some of my grandparents' home movies. Wayne rescued these from the scrap heap left when Grandma C died in 1993. The newly digitized video was a little "scrappy." But as I watched the parade of Grandpa's grandchildren march through his proud movies, I was touched. Memories stirred of long-ago days when I was one of that group. I was excited to see my cousins and I interact together in that setting. Cousins! What a blessing they are! We don't always remember or hang out with our cousins, but in my case they are an integral and treasured part of my life.

Cousins, aunts and uncle interact this summer in Florida

As a grandmother, I love to see my grandchildren interact together in "cousinly ways." A favorite part of grandchild watching is to see how the children of different families share friendship with each other. Each is enriched in the process. The same is true of Rachel and her cousins. This year several of her cousins married. Other cousins came to the various celebrations. I love watching the interactions of the cousins and now the second cousins as their children find friends among family members as well. A pair of girl cousins who were close to Rachel's age particularly brought Rachel back to me this month. Sweet thoughts filled my heart as I heard the conversations, casual and sometimes serious, of these two women. I treasure my cousins and I treasure my children's cousins too.

Memorial Day

"Waving flags are beautiful, the call of the lone bugle is tender, and the sharp report of a gun salute is a great honor, but to be held in sweet remembrance is the finest tribute of all."

Carl and Stephen working together

Last week this quote from "Music and the Spoken Word" with the Tabernacle Choir grabbed my heart. "To be held in sweet remembrance is the finest tribute of all." I hold many loved ones in sweet remembrance. The older you get, the more people there are to love, and many of them have passed on. As a family, we particularly remembered my daughter Rachel and her girls this year. First we had an outing at Thanksgiving Point, once again enjoying the Dinosaur Museum and lovely grounds there. It was our granddaughter Addie's favorite place to visit with her grandparents. Then we met again at the Rachel Stubbs McTeer Memorial Park. There a lovely monument stands to honor Rachel and we had some plans to do the same.

At the park's dedication in 2006, our family planted a tree in Rachel's memory. However, it didn't survive the winter. I felt that it was time to replant. The season was right and the ground has been prepared by our heavy spring rains this year. We bought the same type of tree, a flowering pear tree that will blossom in the spring, provide shade all summer and then show beautiful red autumn foliage. 

Olivia, Andy and Amanda celebrate the planting.

I couldn't help but ponder the symbolism of our replanting. The season of Rachel's death was difficult, but we pulled together in love as a family. The last six years have been hard on many of us and there have been heartaches and divisions. However, I believe the ground has been prepared for a season of renewing our love and family unity. I'm looking forward to basking in that love and enjoying the beautiful "foliage" of family life that surrounds us. 

Amy and Stephen compare ribbons as Tommy looks on.

An especially sweet moment occurred at the tree planting when both Amy and Stephen pulled out their pieces of ribbon from the original ribbon cutting at the park. They had each carried those little white ribbons with them for 5 years. Amy also had her little rock from that day with her. Each of us had been given an small apache tear. These little rocks look black, but when held to the light, they are transparent. This Memorial Day 2011, after the tree was planted in that beautiful spot, Jim led our family group in prayer to ask God's blessings on the park and on our family.

Park monument as it is today

We also noticed that Rachel's dreams for this piece of ground were being fulfilled. Many people were enjoying the park, its walking path, playground and basketball hoop and athletic field. It's a small park, but it has been used and enjoyed.  The monument reads "Rachel Stubbs McTeer: Alpine City Planner; A cheerful, outgoing, positive personality; Adelaide, Elizabeth (in a heart); A loving Mother." We totally agree. 

The Cousin Test

Quite awhile ago I asked Rachel's cousin Jeni if she would like to guest post on this blog. She said yes, but thought she should do other stuff, like complete her chemo for cancer first. (See her blog "This Isn't my First Rodeo" for other examples of her excellent writing.) I love reading her memories of those sweet years--let the new husbands and wives of the cousin group read and learn. 


Rachel, Jeni, Melanie, Martha, and Angie. We were the core of our cousin group. This was not an exclusive group, if the fabulous older ones wanted to play, Anna, Amy, Julie, Joy or the exciting and numerous younger ones, we were more than willing to expand the connection of cousins. Sometimes we even enjoyed playing with our boy cousins, especially if Nerf Guns were involved.

The core group and others ended up in the Provo area in the late 1990s. This coincided with our college, mission for Rachel, and marrying years. We lived and played together so of course we felt we could offer our opinions about who we should or should not date. This evolved into the Cousin Test. Since Rachel and I were the oldest and the alternating “voice of authority” we were the main administrators of the test. Many a nice boy was unknowingly found wanting as he attempted to date one of us. Even worse were the ones who found out we considered them unworthy of the affection of the dear cousins.

The essence of the test was the fact that we thought very highly of each other and if the boy did not act and think that way as well, he was doomed from the start.

Here are the main points of the test as I remember them:

Intelligence: Of course it would be impossible to find someone smarter than any of us. They did have to match wits, and have a love of learning. Rachel liked to debate for fun and she was so nice about it, many unsuspecting boys realized too late she had bested them. We would watch the train crash, taking notes, knowing the truly intelligent ones refused to get in the ring with her.

Fun Loving: We liked to laugh (I still think of funny things to tell Rachel - I would love to hear her appreciative laugh again), dance, and make fools of ourselves. This did not detract from our intelligence, but rather showed we knew there was a time and place for everything. Rachel was always good for a quick fierce card game of Pounce, a swim in the pool, Nerf Wars, snowball fight, or car trips. When the boys joined these adventures they needed to throw themselves into the activity completely without being too competitive. Even better was if they could make walking to school in the cold or cleaning enjoyable, like Rachel could.

Hard Worker: We all came from big families where hard work was expected. Not only did the boy need to do his share, but also attempt to do more, as Rachel always managed to do. The quiet corollary to this is that I had a bad back, and so was not expected to do heavy lifting. Of course nobody would remember to tell the poor boy, he was just expected to discern this from the look on my face as I struggled to lift something without the other cousins noticing. If he did not immediately jump in, Rachel or the cousins would, and he had failed.

Appreciative: Gestures of thankfulness were common among the cousins. Thank you notes, cookies, and hugs were everyday occurrences. Rachel made it easy to want to do things for her, because she was always so genuinely grateful. Hopefully the boys had learned the fine art of appreciation at home, because otherwise we quickly ceased wanting to do anything for them.

Family: If you cannot tell by now, family was of the utmost importance. The boy needed to be kind to the girl that he was wooing, but also to her cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, second cousins, and friends that were like family. Rachel had all these married siblings with kids that she wanted and we wanted to spend time with. Between Anna, Carl, Amy and Mark's kids, and Julia, there was always a way to see how the interested suitor acted around children. The adoring boy had to learn more names of cousins and their kids then he thought possible, and know how they were related. Hopefully he could master that in just one family Easter egg hunt, mission farewell, or game night. These were people he could expect to see at family reunions or gatherings, and read about in the newsletter. This was family we loved and expected them to love as well.

There are so many cousins getting married this year. I would like to talk to Rachel about it. She could explain the Utah contingent's positions and I could illuminate how the Nevadans feel. In the end we would both just be glad that our cousins had found someone that made them happy.

All Things Will Be Restored: My Locket

The day of Rachel's funeral (23 June 2005), I was looking for my locket. I can't remember what I was wearing, but I remember really wishing I could find my lost necklace, a locket my husband Jim had given me. I thought it would look good with my dress that day and I just needed the physical reminder that I was loved. I'd been looking for that locket for several weeks. I hadn't seen it since I came home from Nevada the first time, to go to Girls Camp with my Young Women.

Rachel had been so excited the day Julia and I drove home together that first week of June, 2005. She called us several times asking, "Where are you now? Can't you drive any faster?" We laughed and we all three looked forward to seeing each other again. It had been awhile since we had gone to Boulder City, Nevada to help care for my dying mother-in-law. Rachel's new baby had just been born, and we had missed sharing much of the new baby stuff together. Sure enough, when we drove into our driveway, Rachel was already there and it was hugs all around as Julia and I piled out of the car. What a happy day! She was excited to give me batteries for my birthday. Batteries for the headlamp I had purchased for our family reunion that month.

Then came the week at camp with the Mutual girls and after that was over, we headed back to Boulder City for our reunion. I felt sad that Rachel and her cousin Jeni couldn't come to the reunion that year. I had planned it for months and I was hoping for a huge success, commemorating our family's Boulder City years. Rachel had decided to visit Jeni in northern Nevada instead, opting for the "better part," a quiet celebration with her favorite friend/cousin, who was still recovering from cancer. Just as well. Although there are always good times for me at my family's reunions, there were also many difficulties that year. The weather was unbearably hot, especially for the Idahoans. Even the air at the motel didn't work right. Jim was allergic to the oleanders at the campground and the air in our ancient RV wasn't working either, despite our best efforts. He retreated to his dad's house.

I soldiered on, determined to make everything work. A mouse interrupted my sleep and the days were hot, but the worst night by far was the last night I was there. I never got to the end of that reunion--the grand finale I had planned--attending church on Father's Day as a family with my dad in the ward where he was once the bishop. That night before, my son-in-law called me with the news that Rachel had been killed in a car crash on her way home from Jeni's. She would never receive my last cell phone message, answering her recording about their private cousins' reunion, comparing notes with ours.

Now I was home again in Utah and I still hadn't seen that locket, though I was almost entirely unpacked from the long series of trips. My suitcase was on the love seat in my bedroom though, and on impulse (or inspiration), I reached down into the inside pocket, looking for my second choice necklace to wear. When I pulled it out, it was hooked to something else. My lost locket. I could not believe my eyes. I had looked in that very place, among many others, for that locket, yet there it was. I dissolved in tears and said my thank yous to God. His answer came back to me clearly, "All things will be restored, just as this locket has been. Be at peace. Your daughter will rise again and your love for each other will be renewed."

It is a promise I have never forgotten. It is the same promise I received the first Easter after the August day my mother died. I sang the words, "Death is conquered, man is free. Christ has gained the victory."  I saw the picture in my mind of my dear mother rising from her casket and embracing me once more. From that day in 1982 to this Easter in 2011, I rejoice in His message and His good news. "All things will be restored." I know that is true.

Happy Birthday Elyzabeth

This month I have been thinking about my mother, my grandmothers and my mother line. Today is the birthday of a very dear granddaughter. Her name is Elizabeth Anne or Elyzabeth, I believe her mother is now spelling it. I hope she kept the Anne. It was my mother's name.  In fact, Elyzabeth's mother line has both her names in it.

I haven't been in contact with Elyzabeth for over 4 years. I miss her very much and I hope someday she will read this post and other letters I have written and saved for her. Her birth mother (my daughter) died nearly 6 years ago and when her father remarried, they "uninvited" my husband and I and our extended family out of their daughters' lives.

I remember the day Elyzabeth was born. I was at the hospital with her father and mother. Things weren't going as well as we had hoped. Her mother was in labor, but the baby was in distress. My daughter Rachel, always one to put her children first, decided to have the recommended C-section. I worried about that. I worried that her subsequent pregnancies and deliveries would then be harder. That worry was premature. Rachel was killed in a car accident 3 months later and she would not have any more pregnancies.

Back to the labor room 6 years ago today. They took Rachel into surgery and her husband dressed in the sterile jumpsuit the hospital provided. We joked together and I took his picture and off he went to get his first glimpse at little Elyzabeth, an absolutely perfect little baby girl. The rest of the day we took turns holding her, admiring her and imagining her future. Now she is 6. Her future has begun. Dear Elyzabeth, I wish much happiness for you today. I wish beauty and joy in your life.

I have 12 granddaughters and 12 grandsons. I was at the hospital for the births of every one of my 9 birth granddaughters. (I didn't meet my 3 step-granddaughters that early.) Every one was beautiful and perfect. Each filled me with joy at her birth. Several of them were named for grandmothers and great-grandmothers: 1 for me, 4 for my mother, 1 for my mother-in-law, 1 for her grandmother and 3 for aunts. What a heritage these young girls have! What a gift I have to know and love each one! I love women's history and I love seeing it being made today. Happy birthday Elyzabeth! You are part of something that is very special.

Women's History Month

Women's History Month seems like the perfect time to remember Rachel, who was passionate about history. I've blogged before about her research into World War II propaganda and her penchant for "Rosie the Riveter."
The Brigham Young University (Rachel's alma mater or is it alma pater in this case?) Museum of Art is now displaying an exhibition entitled "At War: The Changing Face of American War Illustration," which illustrates the way war posters influenced the public.

I'm anxious to view this exhibit. I'll be remembering Rachel as I do.

Personal Record: about 1985

February 1983

I just found Rachel's old "Book of Remembrance." This entry is undated, but she includes her baptism date on the other side of the paper, so it may have been soon after that event in January of 1984.

I lost the family home evening book that I needed to make a present for Amy. I asked Mom if she had seen it. She said no, maybe I took it downstairs. I looked down there but I only found another book like it except with the flannel board pieces I needed already cut out. I asked Mom again and showed her that book to see if she had seen it. She said no again and she said she lost the collar on the pattern she was making too. I kneeled down by the bench and said a prayer to ask Heavenly Father to help me find my book and Mom to find the collar piece.

As I was kneeling down I opened my eyes and looked under the table to the other bench and I saw the book. It was hiding under the typewriter. When Mom started to cut the material out she set the typewriter down on the bench and it was hiding under it. I'm so glad Heavenly Father helped me find my book and I hope Mom finds the pattern soon too.

I love Heavenly Father and Jesus and I know the Church is true and I love my teacher and my family, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Guest Post by Kat

I remember being sort of nervous to meet Rachel.  I mean, I guess I was sort of nervous to meet the whole family but I felt especially so in meeting Rachel.  You see, when I moved to Utah with Nathan to go to school, Rachel was on her mission.  I had seen pictures of her and heard stories about her and had even heard a letter she had written to her family back home.   I remember just not being sure what to expect.  I had some serious butterflies when I was about to meet her for the first time.  I was worried, wondering if, having just come home from a mission, she would disapprove of my living with Nate.  Would she be cold to me because of it?  Nate was so excited to see her again and for me to meet her.  But I was afraid it would all turn out badly somehow. 

    But it didn't.  In truth, I'm sure Rachel didn't approve of our living together.  But she was so warm towards me, right from the start.  She hugged me and I knew that we were going to be okay.  She had this incredible gift I think, to make people feel accepted and comfortable.  It's something I have always appreciated about her and have never forgotten.  

    When Rachel got married, she asked me to be included in the Stubbs family picture.  This meant the absolute world to me.  I was so touched I went into the bathroom to cry in private.  To me, it meant that she saw me as a member of this family, married or not.  Nate and I knew then that we were partners in this life together even if we didn't have rings on our fingers.  I believe that she saw it too.  I cannot begin to tell you what this meant to me.  It meant, and still means so much.  And as I go about the exciting business of planning my own wedding, I wish Rachel were here.  I want her in our family picture.  I want to tell her thank you.  I want to show her that she was right to include me, that I'm still here, that Nate and I are still together.  I want her to know that even though it looked as if we might not make it, we did.  I wish she were here to celebrate the end of our 13 year engagement and the start of our married life together.  I wish so many things.

A Snapshot in Time

    Rachel was one of the last members of the family I met.  She was also the first member of this family I had to say goodbye to.  But I don't want to say goodbye.  What I really want to say, more than anything, is thank you. 

I dreamed about you

I've dreamed many times about you, Rachel. In the dreams, for some reason, it turns out that you weren't killed in that accident, but you are still alive. Or you come back to me in a very huggable form. We cry together, we laugh together and then talk, talk, talk. Last night I dreamed about your daughter. I was happy to know that she hadn't forgotten me after all. She knew me because of what I had written for her in a little furry coat that she carried.

Rachel had a little furry coat and hood. It was blue. She looked so sweet in it. Then Uncle Steve gave her a white fur rabbit hat that she wore when the blue coat was too small. It occurs to me again that the books I am working on and struggling over are a love letter to Rachel and to my other children. They tell my grandchildren that I will remember them and I want them to remember me.

Joy and Addie

I love to be a link between the future and the past, a link in the chain of people who stretch out behind me as farther than eye can see and stretch forward as well. I'm not as involved in the life of my grandchildren as I was with my children. That's as it should be. My great-grandchildren will be even more removed. But I do still love them and think about them and I write for them as well as for myself.

Letter from Marden, SA, Australia

January 1998
Dear Mom & Dad & Family,
Do you like this paper? Fluff gave me this paper for my B-day. Christmas was really good--I loved it. It was good talking to you!! Hope the bill wasn't too much--if it was use my Christmas or birthday money because talking to you guys was all I really wanted. Things are definitely picking up in the last two weeks. We've added five new investigators to our teaching pool! All of them are choice.

Tell Sister Hill "I love her." That's awful that she's confined to a bed. Fluffy is getting transferred. Don't know where to. But I'm staying here don't know w/who but I'll find out tomorrow. Most of our zone is staying the same. :) It's been great to teach the last two weeks. I love it. We found most of them through tracting. Mark and Leanne we found tracting. They really seem sincere but we have a hard time catching up with them. Then their next door neighbor Steve started asking us questions. We were able to teach him despite his No Religious Callers sign.

We were also able to teach Kirsty and Penny. Penny is choice. The Elders found her tracting. They asked us to teach her. She's really on the ball! Well that's pretty much it for me. Things are going good. I understand so much more. The Gospel is so awesome and true! I hope you guys are reading the Book of Mormon together. It's a powerful book. I promise ou that as you guys read it your testimony will grow and you'll grow closer together and have peace in your life. I'm just about to finish the Book of Mormon for the 3rd time since I've left on my mission! Anyway I hope things work out financially. Remember the Lord will bless you.
Love ya all
Sister Stubbs    :)

P.S. Dad, Fluffy is convinced you're not an American because she says you don't sound like one. She thought you were her uncle hence the confusion on the phone. She was trying to figure out why you were calling her. The green chewy is for you!!

Mom, I don't know if I told you or not that I loved my package. It was really awesome--especially the Junior Mints. Just kidding. The ornament from the Advent Calendar was especially special for me. I loved the Christmas decorations. It brought a piece of home Christmas in the mission field and reminded me of the Christmas traditions. Fluffy and I started our own tradition. We bought a candle & we marked 25 places--each night we would burn it & talk about family tradition, Christmas, cards, or talk about Christ--very cool tradition.

Julia - I picked up these sea shells off the beach where I'm at. Hope you like them. Love ya all!

No worries--We can do it.

Do you have a personal motto? I'm not sure that I do, but Rachel certainly did. In her undergraduate history major at BYU, she focused on the World War II era. Her senior paper was about World War II propaganda posters. She scrolled through dozens of microfilms and looked at many many posters, but the one that really caught her eye was the one portraying "Rosie the Riveter" with the motto, "We Can Do It" across the top. She loved that particular poster and used the image of it as her inspiration.

Grandma Rose may have been part of the reason Rachel liked the image of Rosie. Rachel's Grandma Rose was a World War II bride who became very independent while her husband was flying his P-38 in Europe. Rose wasn't a factory worker, but she certainly fit the tough image portrayed by the artist. She traveled by bus all over the United States and also spent time in Panama while mothering her little Jimmy, Rachel's dad.

Rachel  liked the determined "We can do it" on the poster too. It fit her personality. Rachel was not one to give up easily or shirk hard work. She could often be found helping out various family members with tough projects. Nothing seemed too hard for her to tackle. She helped me redecorate her younger sister Julia's room when Julia wished for a room with a personalized, updated look. We sponged lime green paint on the walls, hung a snazzy shower curtain on the window and beads around the bed. Then Rachel, Julia and I created a one-of-a-kind quilted bedspread that reflected both Julia and Rachel's unique personalities and tastes.

Grandma Rose Stubbs

Rachel was the one who spearheaded the garden plowing and planting for her mother-in-law, helped her dad put in an irrigation system in his garden and wouldn't let a Christmas go by without lights outside and decorations inside. She balanced a life filled with activity, reading, crafting, mothering, studying and finally, filling the post of Alpine city planner with her usual sparkle and energy.

"No worries," Rachel's second motto, came from her year and one-half in Australia. She picked up many Aussie phrases there, but the one she never let go of was this one. It, too, fit her personality. She refused to worry. She  got hives or an upset stomach instead. So maybe she did worry herself. However, her answer to any favor asked or apology given was always the same, "No worries."  It became something our family said to each other through our tears after we lost her to the car accident. We knew that eventually it would all be okay again. No worries--we can do it!

The Happiest New Year's Day

It was December 31st. My daughter Rachel was in the hospital with premature labor and toxemia. The doctor was concerned for the development of the baby's lungs, so Rachel was under heavy medication to stop the labor and to hurry the lung development of her soon-to-be born child. It had been a few weeks of worry and testing, of off and on labor and of miserable medication. They called it a stress test, but as far as I could see, no test was necessary. Rachel was definitely stressed. She already loved the little daughter who was coming. Her name was to be Adelaide, after the Australian mission city where Rachel had served and loved the people. Her middle name was Rose, after her sister and her grandmother.

Rachel's husband was exhausted, with his own set of stressors. I was elected to sit with Rachel as she slept fitfully that last night of her first pregnancy. My heart was heavy as I listened to my daughter moan in pain. The medication slowed the labor, but made her feel miserable in other ways. She hated most the feeling of only being half-alive, drugged and semi-conscious. We were all worried about the baby's health and also about Rachel's. Sometime deep in the night, I heard a new baby cry. "If only we were at that point," I thought sadly.

Rachel stirred. She tried to sit up. She, too, had heard the baby. Her confused mind worried that she was hearing her baby. "My baby, my baby," she cried. "Please, someone help my baby."  It took some reassuring to get her to relax and try to sleep once more. She was strongly bonded to her daughter before she was even born.

Rachel and Addie

By the next night her child had been delivered and all was well. Addie was rushed to the newborn intensive care, but she was soon released with a clean bill of health. The new year had started out in a most wonderful way, with a new child, a beautiful and much-loved daughter. In fact, two much-loved daughters, my daughter and her own first child.